Within the futuristic American classic Demolition Man, there's a sex scene wherein the two primary characters awkwardly sit across from each other on a sofa and wear VR headsets to simulate the activity instead of forcing us to watch Sylvester Stallone crush a 29-year-old Sandra Bullock in his oily meat hooks.
This future brain-helmet sex manipulates neurons and alpha waves, permitting the participants to stimulate every other without ever having to physically touch, which you may recognize as totally defeating the objective. But that is just early '90s sci-fi, right?
Nicely, Durex recently unveiled their newest and most innovative brand -- Fundawear, vibrating underwear controlled via smartphone app to keep you as well as your long-distance significant other from masturbating like regular human beings. Or, much more most likely, to fingerblast some stranger you simply met on the Fundawear forums.
This future brain-helmet sex manipulates neurons and alpha waves, permitting the participants to stimulate every other without ever having to physically touch, which you may recognize as totally defeating the objective. But that is just early '90s sci-fi, right?
Nicely, Durex recently unveiled their newest and most innovative brand -- Fundawear, vibrating underwear controlled via smartphone app to keep you as well as your long-distance significant other from masturbating like regular human beings. Or, much more most likely, to fingerblast some stranger you simply met on the Fundawear forums.
Durex is so confident in their item that they even produced a demo video to show it off.
Initially glance, it appears fantastic, but about a minute in, we start to see the chinks in the armor.
At 0:42, the girl asks her companion to touch her. He gets his telephone and, with a easy tap, the girl jumps backward and grabs her boob, bursting out into laughter.
Initially glance, it appears fantastic, but about a minute in, we start to see the chinks in the armor.
At 0:42, the girl asks her companion to touch her. He gets his telephone and, with a easy tap, the girl jumps backward and grabs her boob, bursting out into laughter.
So far so good, right? Then at 0:52, he starts swiping his finger along the bathing suit region of his Fundawear app, and she reacts accordingly:
Nothing mixes with "intimacy" like distance and cold, heartless machines.
At 1:07, she doubles over in enjoyment, and we are convinced we have seen mankind's glorious future:
Now, around 1:01, the woman starts vigorously touching her phone, asking him, "Can you feel that?" His reaction? "Yeah ...?"
"It feels like I left my cellphone in my taint, but otherwise I'm good."
And where have we seen that exact look of disappointment before?
And where have we seen that exact look of disappointment before?
The most we get out of him is at 1:17 -- the woman asks him if he can feel it (since it doesn't seem like he's feeling anything at all), and he merely responds, "It makes it hard to concentrate." Like he's trying to read a book and she won't turn her music down.
So while she's squirming around and giggling uncontrollably, the guy basically smiles and plays along, eventually leaning back on the couch in what is a clear nonverbal expression of boredom. Which makes sense -- Fundawear is essentially like laying a hot-dog pack of remote controlled vibrators on your crotch. Male stimulation doesn't really work this way, biologically speaking. The last man who tried masturbating with a vibrator ended up with a confused penis.
But it doesn't really work for women, either.
At 1:32, the woman starts saying, "Keep doing that, harder!" to which her man replies, "If I do it any harder, I'll just break the phone." And that, right there, is the sad truth -- you absolutely cannot do anything any harder. Foreplay is nice, but it's a prelude to sex, and at no point in history has the definition of sex been "trembling underwear." The woman eventually grabs her pillow and hugs it tightly, because what the hell else is she going to do?
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